Retrieve The Xros Loader
by Taiki Matsuki
Summary: After Kiriha loses his Xros Loader to Tactimon, he's forced to turn to Xros Heart for help. As much as it pains him to do so... Uploaded with Original Author's permission. Complete.
1. Vacation

Retrieve The Xros Loader

Chapter I: Vacation

Finally, a break! Between claiming the last zone and Bagura's recent activity to wipe out the humans, being able to relax was exactly what Team Xros Heart needed.

The new zone they were taken to contained a walled, but rather tiny, village of Digimon, mostly consisting of Tentomon, Terriermon and Wormmon. Once they found Xros Heart was an opposing force to Bagura, the villagers glady gave Taiki and his friends all the food they could eat and a place to rest. There was no sign of Bagura within a hundred miles, it seemed. Dorulumon was worried about the possibility of a trap, but his worries subsided after a few days. The village was remote, probably not on a single map.

"Ah, this is what I needed," Zenjirou sighed contently, resting on the big soft bed at the village inn. "A nice vacation."

"We shouldn't be sitting around so much," Taiki said. "Bagura's still out there, who knows what they might be doing!"

"Bagura? What's that?" Zenjirou said.

Akari gave Zenjirou and odd look. "...Team Bagura, our enemies. Y'know, Tactimon and-"

"I'm sorry, but the only thing that exists in the world, as far as I'm concerned, is this feather bed and, if someone could be so kind, a nice hot pot of tea," Zenjirou replied, resting his hands between his head and the pillow, closing his eyes. "Tea sounds good right now."

Taiki and Akari exchanged glances. "Right." They both said, starting for the doorway outside.

"Could you make it genmaicha, guys?" Zenjirou said, opening one eye. "Y'know, green tea and roasted rice. Really good stuff."

"Uh-huh, yeah, we'll get it," Akari rolled her eyes.

"You're a pal, Akari-chan."

Taiki and Akari stepped into the streets of the village. Shoutmon walked by with a bunch of little Wormmon closely following him.

"Tell us another story, Shoutmon-nii-chan! Please!" One of the Wormmon bounced up and down with enthusiasm.

Shoutmon scratched his head. "I'm a little tired-"

"We can get you some food!" Another Wormmon chimed in.

"Oh, I think I'm starting to remember the time I saved ChibiKamemon from a horde of MetalGreymon...Yeah..."

"Quick! Get him some food!" The group of Wormmon hurried off in search of food.

"Shoutmon, when did you ever save ChibiKamemon from a horde of MetalGreymon?" Akari crossed her arms, eying the little red dragon digimon.

"Won't know until I make up a date for it," Shoutmon said, glancing away. "They like hearing my stories so much, I'm running out!"

"Something tells me you and Zenjirou would get along really well right now," Taiki sighed. "We're being distracted, don't you want to become the Digimon King?"

"One more big meal, please, Taiki-san?" Shoutmon gave Taiki his most pleading of looks. "Please...?"

"Okay, but don't make ChibiKamemon a wimp in your story," Taiki said.

"I promise," Shoutmon gave a nod, just as the Wormmon came back with a plate of fruits and breads. "Okay, I'll tell you guys in the village square over there..." He trailed off, leading the Wormmon away.

"Maybe we should enjoy this break," Akari said. "I mean, after the whole thing with AncientVolcamon, I thought I'd sleep for weeks."

"I'm just going stir crazy," Taiki said, turning to Akari. "I mean, we've just been sitting around, it was fun at first, but... Don't you want to also go home?"

Akari nodded. "Yeah, but what can we do if we don't even have a clue of what to do next? Do you know how to claim this zone?"

"...No idea..." Taiki sighed. "That does it, I'm going for a walk outside the city. Maybe there's something there that can give me a clue!"

An ususually calm and relaxed voice came from the inn window. "Taiki never has a clue..."

"Shut up, Zenjirou!" Akari shouted.

"Where's my tea?"

"I'll get you your tea..." Akari growled, raising a fist.

"Remember, genmaicha!"

Akari started back to the inn, Taiki stopped her. "What is it?"

"I'm pretty sure he's just joking, Akari-chan."

"He keeps it up, I'm gonna break his funny bone."

"Go with me on the walk?" Taiki suggested. "Something to take your mind off the boredom?"

"Well, it wouldn't be a good idea for you to go alone," Akari shrugged, then nodded. "Let's go."

Taiki and Akari passed through the main street out of the city, going by Shoutmon and his war story fans...

"...And ChibiKamemon wept bitterly, saying, 'if only Shoutmon were here to save me!' Fortunately for him, I was up in a tree, waiting for the right moment to strike!"

Taiki and Akari exchanged glances and sighed in unison. They'd have a talk with Shoutmon later. They continued through the massive city gate, it was big enough for a pair of staircases leading up to a walkway atop the wall. Taiki had been meaning to ask why such a small village needed such defenses...Then again, with the Bagura Empire around he probably didn't have to wonder.

The forest wasn't far from outside of the village. A stream ran through it, passing by the village. The pair walked along the stream, gazing at the strange plantlife of the Digital World in awe...

"...Kudou Taiki..."

Taiki and Akari stiffened up upon hearing that voice, stopping in their tracks. "...Kiriha?" Taiki turned. Sure enough, Kiriha stood behind them. They were shocked by the condition he was in, his clothes were torn all over, he was covered in dirt and had a few obvious wounds. He was limping, using a large stick as a crutch.

"What on Earth happened to you?" Akari asked. "And where are your Digimon? Gonna tell us to join you or die again?"

"...Actually..." Kiriha glanced away, his serious expression remained unchanged. "My Xros loader has been," he cleared his throat. "Taken."

"Taken? What happened?" The sudden worry in Taiki's voice almost caused Akari's heart to stop. His bad habit was about to kick in...

"...Tactimon..." Kiriha said. "Three days ago... I was ambushed by Tactimon and his army, and he took my Xros Loader and my Digimon...I'll never forget the ferocity he fought with..."

* * *

Three Days Ago...

* * *

Kiriha had set his Xros Loader on a nearby tree stump, he stood behind another tree...

...Relieving himself and humming a tune. "_Gokigen na chou ni natte..._"

Then Kiriha heard the most ominous of chuckles, followed shortly by a rather unexpected word... "Yoink."

"...Yoink?" Kiriha leaned to one side from his tree. His eyes widened, he shifted slightly to help protect himself and his dignity.

Tactimon stood before him, holding his Xros Loader in one hand, shaking it back and forth as if to say 'Lookie what I got!' The Tactician-Digimon kept silent, he simply turned and walked away with another chuckle. Sure, he could have killed Kiriha then and there but he knew letting him live with _THIS_ humiliating defeat was a fate even worse than death.

As he walked away, Tactimon cocked his head to one side, eying Kiriha. Kiriha was certain that under Tactimon's mask was the most smug of grins.

After Tactimon's departure, Kiriha could only stand by his tree, dumbfounded. He was not sure what was more frightening...Coming face to face with Tactimon and somehow avoiding a grisly demise by his hand...

...Or the fact that Tactimon had actually uttered the word "Yoink" and STILL managed to appear vaguely threatening.

* * *

The Present...

* * *

"...I was amazed I came out of the ambush alive. His soldiers were unrelenting, and I had no Digimon partner to defend myself with." Kiriha held up his crutch, sighing lightly. "Just a big stick, and my will to live." The big stick portion of his story was somewhat true, except he had had an encounter with a pack of Numemon the day after the incident with Tactimon...

Akari smelled the air. "...Do either of you smell something?" She covered he nose. "Something foul..."

...An encounter that left him in desperate need of a bath, given what Numemon love to attack with. Kiriha shuddered at the memory. Six hours in a stream and he still couldn't quite get the smell off.

Kiriha was not at his proudest moment. Which was further realized as he found himself asking _TAIKI_ for help. Thankfully, Taiki was the type that wouldn't let him get as far as asking...

Taiki stepped up to Kiriha, putting a hand on his shoulder. "We'll help you!"

Akari groaned, Taiki's bad habit was kicking in. "Taiki...This is _Kiriha_..."

"And didn't he help us escape from AncientVolcamon and Tactimon?" Taiki asked. "Come on, we owe him at least this much!"

Akari rubbed the sides of her head. "...Let's see what Zenjirou has to say." Unlike Akari, Zenjirou would have no trouble speaking his mind on the matter. She knew he'd be enough to either change Taiki's mind or get Kiriha to leave.

Taiki just short of marched back to the village with Kiriha and Akari. Akari still occasionally inquiring about the foul odor...

Upon returning to the village, Taiki and Akari found Shoutmon up a tree with a furious ChibiKamemon below, holding a stick similar to the one Kiriha had been limping with. ChibiKamemon would jump up and swing at Shoutmon now and then, as if he were a whimpering red, dragon-shaped pinata.

"I'm sorry! I really am-"

"I-I'm not a crybaby!" ChibiKamemon shouted, contradictory tears welling in his eyes. "And how could you say I was brainwashed by Tactimon and betrayed you guys? Even if I was, just the sight of YOUR 'supreme awesomeness' wouldn't snap me out of it!"

"J-Just put the stick down...We can talk...! Mon to mon!" Shoutmon cried. He never knew ChibiKamemon could be so threatening... He was relieved to see Starmon and Pickmon coming to his aid. "Brothers! Help me!" Starmon and Pickmon started to crowd around ChibiKamemon. "W-Well? Hold him back or something!"

"...We talked to those Wormmon, Shoutmon..." Starmon said, he turned to ChibiKamemon. "Where did you find that stick?"

"Borrowed it from Jijimon," ChibiKamemon replied, not taking his tearful glare off Shoutmon.

"CRAP!" Shoutmon screamed. "...Dorulumon hasn't talked to them, has he?"

"Not yet..." Starmon trailed off. Shoutmon's sudden sigh of relief saved him from asking 'why?'

"...Suddenly, I'm wondering if Nene would be a better source to turn to for help in this matter..." Kiriha muttered.

"You're _welcome_..." Akari growled.

"Um...I say we let them sort this out on their own," Taiki said, laughing nervously as a couple Pickmon passed a stick to Starmon. "Let's go see Zenjirou..."

At the inn, Zenjirou still lay contently on his feather bed. He was eating grapes from a bowl on a nearby stool. He heard footsteps. "Taiki, is that my tea?" He joked. His eyes suddenly went wide. "UGH! What's that smell! Please tell me that's not some sort of freaky Digimon tea they have here..." He held his nose.

"...Hello, Tsurugi Zenjirou..."

"Kiriha?" Zenjirou turned, he gagged. "Seriously, when was the last time you had a bath?"

"I had a feeling that smell was coming from you..." Akari trailed off.

"I'm sorry, but I have been having a very bad week," Kiriha said, turning to Akari with a frown.

"No kidding," Zenjirou waved his hand. "Taiki, what the hell is he doing here, anyway?"

"His Xros Loader was stolen by Tactimon," Taiki said. "We're going to help him get it back!"

"You and Akari are going to help him get it back, that's so nice of you, Akari!" Zenjirou said.

"You're helping, too..." Taiki trailed off.

"Again, I refer to the fact that only this feather bed, these grapes and I exist," Zenjirou rolled onto his side, his back to the group. He still held his nose.

"Kiriha has saved us, you know," Taiki said. "Are you that ungrateful?"

Zenjirou was silent for a moment or two. He finally let out a loud sigh. "...You come up with the plan, at least, got it?"

"Thanks, Zenjirou! I knew we could count on you!"

"Yeah, yeah, just...Get him out of here, my eyes are watering! Seriously!"

Akari was disappointed. She had been hoping he would be able to at least rant Kiriha away. Guess they were all in this...

Kiriha, Taiki and Akari stepped out of the inn. "Now we just need a plan..."

"Good luck, we're talking about a digital tactical genius," Akari said. "He's always five steps ahead of us..."

"He is also about five miles away from you," a voice spoke up. Akari and Taiki both shouted in surprise, turning to face the source.

"...Hello, Nene," Kiriha said, turning. He'd learned not to be surprised by Nene's sudden appearances.

Nene stepped out from an alleyway behind the inn. "Tactimon has located your hiding place. He and his army will be here within a few hours."

"Wh-What?" Akari went pale. "We...We couldn't even hold our own before when it was just him, Kiriha had to save us! And without his Xros Loader he's..." She turned to Kiriha. "...Useless and smelly."

"...I love you, too, Akari," Kiriha crossed his arms with a frown.

"Sorry, but it's the truth," Akari said.

"If Tactimon's closing in," Taiki began, "we need to evacuate the village!"

"You don't have time," Nene said. "Save yourselves."

"No way! Xros Heart never leaves people to suffer at the hands of Bagura!" Taiki shouted. "We'll fight to the end!"

"Then I hope your demise is a merciful one," Nene started to leave. "I thought it only fair to warn you."

"Wait," Kiriha raised a hand.

"What is it?"

"I have a plan that might buy us some time." Kiriha said. "Will you help us?"

Nene stopped. She thought for a moment. "...Yes, but on one condition."

"What is it?"

Nene turned to Kiriha, holding her nose. "Take a bath first."

Kiriha let out a low growl. "...I had a very bad week. Numemon were involved."

Taiki spoke up, "Yeah, but-"

"NUMEMON!"

To Be Continued...

* * *

BONUS! TACTIMON BING FA!

* * *

Hello, Dummies.

My name is Tactimon, the greatest strategic mind in the history of the Digital World. You may call me "Lord Tactimon." Call me anything else and you won't live long enough to regret it.

War Strategy is a very complicated science, which I expect none of you to understand in even the most basic of terms. However, I believe in sharing my vast wealth of knowledge, so I am willing to give you, you stupid, stupid Humans, a rudimentary lesson.

A "strategist" by the name of Sun Zi once jotted down:

To know yourself and the other, in one hundred battles no fear.  
To know yourself and not the other, one victory for one defeat.  
To know neither yourself or the other and disaster is certain.

Fairly smart words, especially for a human. I suppose some of you may perhaps beat me in a chess game. IF I were distracted enough...

Anyway, let's take the current situation with myself and the fools of Xros Heart:

I know myself to be a genius, a fierce warrior, perfect strategist and, not to be one to go on and on about himself but I am also quite handsome. Just ask Lillithmon, she'll vouch. Ha ha ha!

I know Kudou Taiki to be an optomistic fool, that Zenjirou pipsqueak to be a hothead and Akari to be "moral support" at best. The same goes for Starmon, Pickmon and their "friends" like that crybaby turtle. Dorulumon, however, may pose a threat...About as much as a mosquito, maybe!

Kiriha has also been effectively neutralized, as I have his Xros Loader. It is my most favorite of battle trophies! Perhaps I shall make a pendant out of it to taunt him on the battlefield. Ha ha ha! Yes, I think I shall! What would you humans call that? "Battlefield bling" or something like that?

With this knowledge, I can deduce my "opponents" (as if you could call them that!) stand no chance against me. The upcoming battle will be a slaughter, and I shall love every minute of it! Oh ho ho! I cannot wait! It will be...Perfect.

Our next lesson will cover ambushes. For now, I shall tell you the different between an ambush and a standard charge:

When you charge your enemy at the perfect time, you slaughter them.  
When you ambush your enemy at the perfect time, you slaughter them while shouting "SURPRISE!"

That is all for today, Dummies.

Regards,  
Lord Tactimon

* * *

Original Author's (AKA Ori's) Notes:  
I wrote this fic back in 2000, when my psychic powers first began to develop...I kept this fic printed and hidden in an envelope with instructions not to open it until 2010. If you are reading this, I assume Taiki has followed his instructions.

Also, my powers tell me that in 2016 United States President Barack Hussein Obama will win an unprecedented third presidential term after he singlehandedly fights off an alien invasion with the holy sword Excalibur.

...Okay, fine my psychic powers are only limited to guessing what episode of The Simpsons is going to air on Fox tonight. This is brand new and...I'm back, apparently. I'm back to FFN for the time being. Not sure for how long...Maybe this one fic, maybe two or five or forty-two or four hundred-twenty...I dunno! Let's see what happens!

I'm writing this fic for a friend who requested a Xros Wars humor fic, and I just couldn't pass up a challenge and a chance to flex my humor writing muscles for the first time in months. Not really sure how funny this is turning out so far, I don't want to go with zany Mugen E-esque humor like before. I want to keep everyone relatively in-character.

This fic takes place right after the AncientVolcamon episode, which is as far as I was in the series at the time I started writing this.

The final portion, Tactimon Bing Fa, is mostly jokes people who love war strategy as much as I do might get (The Thirty-Six Stratagems is my bible, to put things lightly). The name comes from "Sun Zi Bing Fa" or "Sun Zi's Soldier Law" (The Art of War) and it will be used to close each chapter. I'm probably over exaggerating Tactimon's character, but it's hard to resist... And I'll try not to make any of the jokes overly advanced stuff only Zhuge Liang would get a chuckle out of (though, knowing me, he'd get a chuckle of how horribly wrong I am).

Oh, and I hope no-one takes my treatment of Kiriha in this chapter as character-bashing. I like Kiriha, too. And remember: The more I like a character, the meaner I am to them (Vamdemon, Takato, Jianliang, Osamu and Ken can vouch for that).

The new stuff will be put up on Taiki's account, since it's where my best quality work is currently being archived. That and I don't really wanna use my old account again...Too many memories.

Hope you enjoy, and I promise: Unlike all the fics I wrote before, there WILL NOT be any random slash pairings inserted into the story. I've learned from the past, really!

Finally, I've set up a DeviantArt account if anyone's interested in my crappy digimon humor comics. The account name is Qibushi-Zijian.

* * *

Taiki's Notes:  
YES! Ori's back! He's writing humor again! Oh, I cannot wait to see how this turns out! And he's asked me to be his editor to ensure quality work! I promise to do my duties as editor with all my heart, Ori! I'll make you proud! Though, I should say, there really is not much for me to correct aside from the odd typo.

But, wait, no slash? Um, could I get you to reconsider that one, Ori? Please? Taiki and Zenjirou, maybe?

Y-You could call it my birthday present! Honest!

Please?

-Taiki Matsuki


	2. Strategy 32

Retrieve The Xros Loader!  
Chapter II: Strategy 32

"What's your plan?" Taiki asked as Kiriha stepped out of the baths at the inn, in a change of clothes and a towel around his neck. He, Zenjirou, Akari and Nene stood in the room outside of the baths.

"...I still smell it," Nene said. "Not nearly as bad, though."

"Again, _Numemon_," Kiriha said, frowning at Nene. He turned to Taiki. "You all have to do exactly as I say for this to work, all right?"

Taiki nodded. "What do we do?"

"Get Dorulumon, Balistamon, ChibiKamemon, Starmon and Pickmon to protect the villagers near the back of the city," Kiriha said. "When Tactimon arrives..." He explained his plan to the group.

Zenjirou crossed his arms. "You're kidding, right?"

"No, I'm not," Kiriha said. "It will work, Tactimon should be cautious enough."

"Tactimon could blast us all and leave nothing but a smoking crater, and you think _THAT_ will work?" Akari shouted.

"Trust me. What other choice do we have?"

The group exchanged skeptical looks. "...I'll help," Nene finally said. "It is our only option."

"If we all die, I swear I'm going to haunt Tactimon for this..." Zenjirou muttered. "...All right, get me a broom."

"Good," Kiriha said. "I'll wait atop the city gate. You guys do your part, I'll do mine."

The group stepped out of the inn and into the village, only to find Shoutmon still up a tree with the others surrounding him. Cutemon had joined in with a handful of small pebbles on behalf of Dorulumon.

Kiriha let out a sigh, saying, "We might have to do something about that first..."

* * *

Tactimon led his troops through the forest outside of the village. Around his neck was Kiriha's Xros Loader. He would hold it up and stare at it now and then, sometimes whipsering the word "Perfect" to himself.

Once his forces were through the forest, he raised a hand to signal them to halt. He gazed upon the city and, smiling under his mask, he said. "This battle will be a slaughter. Enjoy yourselves."

"All hail Lord Tactimon," his Troopmon cheered.

Tactimon motioned to continue, he stood at the front of his army as they approached. "To destroy those humans, all in one fell swoop...I can hardly wait..."

The city gates were shut tight. Atop the city gate stood Kiriha, with a wooden guitar in hand and Cutemon at his side. Tactimon looked up at him. "Remember this?" He held up Kiriha's Xros Loader with one hand, shaking it back and forth ever so slightly. "I suppose you want it back...Feel free to come and get it."

Kiriha said nothing.

A bit annoyed by Kiriha's silence, Tactimon shouted up at the gate, "Do you have any last words? Or are you going to play me a song? You think music will tame this savage beast? Ha! Play away, I could use a merry tune while I put an end to your existence!"

Kiriha remained completely silent. He began to play a tune on his guitar, calmly.

As Kiriha played, the gates opened. Taiki, Zenjirou, Akari, Nene, Jijimon and Shoutmon calmly walked out of the city with brooms in hand. They swept the city street for the awaiting army and, once done, they bowed their heads low and motioned for Tactimon to enter.

Tactimon stood, dumbfounded. "...What is this?"

Kiriha continued playing his tune.

"_They obviously have some sort of plan_," Tactimon thought. "_But, what? They couldn't possibly think they stand a chance against me...Is this a surrender? ...No, that idiot Taiki and his friends aren't the type to give up without a fight. There's more to this..._"

Kiriha finished his tune, he stared down at Tactimon with a smile and a look on his face that said "Your move."

Tactimon spent a little more time pondering the situation. "...Fall back," Tactimon said, raising a hand.

A troopmon stepped up behind Tactimon, "But...Lord Tactimon-"

"I said, 'fall back,'" Tactimon gave the Troopmon a warning glare. "We'll make camp in the forest and come back later."

The troops exchanged surprised looks, but they knew the price of disobeying an order from Tactimon. One by one, they all turned and started back into the forest.

Kiriha watched as the army retreated, Tactimon being the last to depart. He waited until they all disapppeared into the forest.

Finally, he let out a sigh of relief once the army was out of sight.

"...That...That actually worked..." Zenjirou said in disbelief. "...He...Actually used the Empty City Scheme..."

"The what?" Taiki asked.

"Don't you know your history?" Zenjirou said. "The Empty City scheme! From China's Three Kingdoms period!" The look on Taiki's face caused him to let out an annoyed groan. "Zhuge Liang, the great strategist, was trapped in a city with barely any troops! He did this to scare off the hundred thousand strong army of Sima Yi, because Sima Yi knew Zhuge Liang would _never_ pull a trick like that if he wasn't one hundred percent sure he'd win!"

"...Oh," Taiki nodded. "Cool!"

Zenjirou groaned again. "Let's go see what Kiriha's next plan is... I'm getting a headache." He, Akari and Taiki went back inside the village and up to the city wall. Kiriha still sat there with his guitar. "...How did you know that would work?"

"...Actually, I didn't think it would work," Kiriha said after a moment or two.

"What?" Taiki, Akari and Zenjirou said, in perfect unison.

"I thought he would charge into the city anyway, I had a rope ladder on the wall over there to escape while you guys distracted him," Kiriha said, pointing to the eastern wall.

"Y-You...You were going to sacrifice us so save your own ass?" Akari screamed, lunging at Kiriha. Zenjirou held her back. "LET ME GO, ZENJIROU!"

"Akari, no, don't kill him!" Zenjirou said.

"WHY NOT?"

"'CAUSE I WANNA DO IT!"

"I had full confidence in either your miraculous victory or swift, merciful demises," Kiriha said. These words caused Akari to struggle harder against Zenjirou's grip. Even Taiki had to intervene, not to hold back Akari but to hold back Shoutmon.

"G-Guys, the plan still worked! Let's let this one go...Can we?" Taiki said.

"NO!" Shoutmon, Zenjirou and Akari screamed.

Kiriha got up. "We should take this time to evacuate the villagers to safe place, then worry about getting my Xros Loader back." He walked past the group and down into the city.

"I hate him, I really, really hate him..." Zenjirou muttered.

"As Taiki pointed out, the plan worked," Nene said. "We should worry about the villagers."

"Yeah, right..." Zenjirou let go of Akari, who was starting to calm down.

Xros Heart, Nene and Kiriha helped the villagers pack up whatever belongings they could carry. Nene volunteered to lead them to a safe location.

"What do we do now?" Taiki asked, looking over the emptied city from atop the gate.

"I suppose our best option is to sneak into Tactimon's camp and steal back my Xros Loader," Kiriha said. "It will be dangerous."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Akari rolled her eyes. "Why should we even bother helping you after that little 'escape' stunt?"

"Did I use the rope ladder?" Kiriha replied.

"No, but you would have!"

"Guys..." Taiki trailed off, standing between Akari and Kiriha.

"Taiki, how can you help this creep?"

"I can't just leave someone helpless, especially against Tactimon!" Taiki said. "Besides, we still owe Kiriha for saving us before. It wouldn't be right!"

"You and your sense of honor and bad habit..." Akari growled.

"He said he was making camp in the forest, right?" Taiki said. "Let's wait until dark and get it then. While he's asleep!"

"Somehow, Tactimon strikes me as the type that doesn't sleep. Or sleeps with one eye open," Zenjirou said.

"We have Dorulumon with us, and we can use Shoutmon X4 if we need to," Taiki said. "And if we can get Kiriha's Xros Loader, he can back us up, too!"

"Fine, but we're even from that point on," Akari said. "No 'he saved us' crap!"

"...Agreed," Kiriha said.

With that, Team Xros Heart waited for nightfall...

Across the city, Shoutmon and the other Digimon met up.

"So, we'll be sneaking into Tactimon's camp," Dorulumon said. "This will be interesting," he looked to Cutemon. "And dangerous. You should stay behind."

"I want to be of help to Dorulumon!" Cutemon said, shaking his head.

ChibiKamemon spoke up, "I-I'm amazed Kiriha's plan worked...I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you guys up front, though..."

Shoutmon shook his head. "Kiriha knew you'd look so scared, it'd give the plan away to Tactimon!" He didn't notice tears start to well up in ChibiKamemon's eyes at these words.

Others did. "Brother..." Starmon and Pickmon came up behind Shoutmon. "...Do you want to go back up the tree again?" They all said in an ominous tone.

"Eh heh heh...Just kidding, ChibiKamemon..." Shoutmon laughed nervously. "You'll be a big help when we sneak into Tactimon's camp!"

"R-Really?"

"._..No,_" thought Shoutmon. "Of course!" He said aloud.

To Be Continued...

* * *

BONUS! TACTIMON BING FA!

* * *

Hello again, Dummies.

I, the Great Strategist Tactimon, will now give you a lesson on ambushes.

Simply put, an ambush is where you place hidden troops that will strike your enemy when they least expect it. Of course, it takes great skill to properly set up the _perfect_ ambush and to either guess where your enemy is going to move or successfully lead them into it.

A good ambush, for example, is from the Human historical novel Romance of the Three Kingdoms, in which a "strategist" by the name of Zhuge Liang successfully deduced his rival, Cao Cao, would escape through a certain path after a defeat. He sprang three ambushes upon him along this route...

...Of course, had it been ME, I would only need ONE ambush to crush Cao Cao. Ha ha ha, he even ESCAPED in the end! Can you believe that? He ESCAPED three ambushes! What kind of strategist allows that? Ha ha ha!

Of course, there's an example of a horribly placed ambush, which is was those idiots of Xros Heart used in today's battle. I mean, could that have been any more obvious? Sweeping the streets for me, inviting me into the city with open arms...They just lacked a sign that said "AMBUSH FOR TACTIMON HERE!" Ha ha ha-...Wait a minute...

...A city gate...Music...Sweeping the streets...

...Th-That...THAT LITTLE SON OF A BITCH! HE ZHUGE LIANG'D ME! HE ACTUALLY PULLED THE EMPTY CITY SCHEME ON ME! HE USED STRATAGEM 32, WORD FOR DAMNED WORD! THE NERVE OF THAT PATHETIC HUMAN! TO THINK HE ACTUALLY HAD THE AUDACITY TO EVEN THINK OF ATTEMPTING SUCH A SCHEME, LET ALONE USING IT? I SWEAR, NO MERCY IN OUR NEXT ENCOUNTER! I WILL TEAR HIM LIMB FROM LIMB! I WIL-...Uh...

*Ahem* Of course, that is the reaction I would have had, had I actually _FALLEN _for such a stupid scheme...A Perfect Strategist such as I wants to crush his opponents when they are at their weakest, to give them some false hope of victory...I LET them think I fell for that silly, silly scheme. After all, I can (AND _WILL!_) do so much worse things to them later.

Our next lesson will be on fire attacks. All great strategists must realize the battlefield advantages and not to mention the soothing and stress relieving properties of LIGHTING YOUR OPPONENTS _ON **FIRE!**_

That is all for today, Dummies.

Regards,  
Lord Tactimon

* * *

Original Author's (AKA Ori's) Notes:  
Eh, this chapter is shorter than I wanted it to be, but I had to cut it short to add this chapter's Tactimon Bing Fa...You just KNOW a strategist has a MASSIVE ego when they talk down towards Zhuge Liang (AKA God). Especially considering Tactimon completely missed the point of letting Cao Cao escape...

When I heard Xros Wars had a full scale conflict theme and a villain named Tactimon...Well, let's just say I've been scanning every episode for references to Three Kingdoms (because you can't have a strategist hero\villain in anime WITHOUT mentioning Kongming\Cao Cao!). I really, really wish Toei would throw in a shout out to Zhuge Liang or Sima Yi at some point, you just have to with a villain like Tactimon. I'm sort of hoping Taiki gets help from a Zhuge Liang-esque mon or human at some point...

...What if it was a Zhuge Liang-esque Vamdemon? THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!

"From this great dream, who would waken first? All along I've known the part to play, to sleep in spring and ask no more. Though outside, longer, longer grow the days...NIGHT RAID!"

(...I'm well aware that I'm going to Taoist Hell for that...)

Now we just need a Guan Gong-style character... Hm...

* * *

Taiki's Notes:  
Zhuge Liang-esque Vamdemon? Ori, you need to let Adventure go. I don't think Toei wants to use him ever again after the whole BelialVamdemon thing in 02.

And, again, it's not too late to pair Taiki and Zenjirou! Hm? Please?

-Taiki Matsuki


	3. Night Raid

Retirieve The Xros Loader

Chapter III: Night Raid

The group made their way through the dark forest as quietly as possible. The slightest sound terrified them, even though most of the time it was Zenjirou or Shoutmon stepping on a twig. The danger was obvious but the strength of Taiki's bad habit was forever stronger than his sense of danger...

Tactimon's encampment was in the middle of the forest, the Troopmon had cleared a number of trees around it.

Taiki and Shoutmon looked up from a bush. "...I don't see Tactimon," Taiki whispered.

"He must be in a tent or something," Zenjirou said. "Look at all those guards...There's no way we could sneak in there without being seen."

"Let's scout around," Dorulumon suggested. "Maybe there's a place we can sneak in on the other side."

"We'll split up and meet back here," Taiki said. "Shoutmon, ChibiKamemon, Akari and I will go left, you guys go right, Dorulumon, Jijimon, Starmon and Pickmon wait here."

The rest of the group nodded in agreement. They split up in search of an opening.

Zenjirou and Kiriha's group searched the forest around the camp. "Hey, Kiriha, you see that?" Zenjirou pointed to a light in the distance, about thirty yards from the main camp.

Kiriha nodded. He, Cutemon, Zenjirou and Balistamon went toward the light...

The light came from a lantern, by a hot spring. Tactimon was sitting in the spring, alone.

...With Kiriha's Xros Loader on a rock directly behind him.

"...Let's go back to Taiki, we can steal it back, but we'll need back up if he notices us," Zenjirou whispered, crouched behind a bush with the others.

"...I wish I had known about that hot spring," Kiriha commented.

"Why?" Zenjirou said, he then sniffed the air. "Oh, right...Numemon." Kiriha just gave the slightest of nods.

Kiriha and Zenjirou went back to the meeting place. Taiki and the others were already there.

"Did you see any places to sneak in?" Taiki asked.

"No, even better. We found Tactimon, he's at a hot spring down that way," Zenjirou said. "He's totally alone, and Kiriha's Xros Loader is right there, too! We can just sneak in and grab it!"

"Why didn't you?" Akari asked.

"I'm not going alone, I want back up." Zenjirou said. "What if he spotted us?"

"What if he gets out of the spring before we get there?" Akari replied.

"That's why we gotta hurry!" Zenjirou whisper-shouted.

"All right, let's go," Taiki whispered. "All together." He and the group followed Zenjirou and Kiriha back to the hot spring. Tactimon was still there, his back to the group and the Xros Loader still on the rock.

"I'll grab it," Shoutmon said, sneaking off toward the Xros Loader.

"Wait, no!" Dorulumon whisper-shouted, Shoutmon didn't hear him.

"What's wrong?" Taiki asked.

"It's a trap," Dorulumon said.

"How can you be so sure?" Akari asked.

"Because he's in the hot spring in full body armor," Dorulumon said.

The groups' eyes went wide.

"...How did we not realize that?" Kiriha groaned.

"...Because we're stupid..." Zenjirou muttered.

Shoutmon grabbed the Xros Loader, turned back to the group and raised it high. He was surprised by the 'Oh CRAP' look on everyone's faces. "._..What's wrong with them?_" He thought.

Tactimon's head suddenly fell off, revealing his helmet was being propped up by a stick.

The real Tactimon and a number of Troopmon stepped out from behind the trees. "...Hello, Xros Heart..." Tactimon said, crossing his arms.

"CRAP!" Shoutmon took off towards the group. The Troopmon closed in on him, bringing his down. At the last second, he threw the Xros Loader towards Kiriha. Unfortunately, it landed a few feet from the bush.

"GET THAT LOADER!" Tactimon shouted.

Kiriha leapt forward for his Xros Loader, a Troopmon tackled him just short of it. "Got him, Lord Tacti-UGH!" The Troopmon released Kiriha. "WHAT'S THAT SMELL?"

Kiriha scrambled for his Xros Loader while the Troopmon was distracted.

"You idiot!" Tactimon screamed at the Troopmon. "Why did you let him go?"

"Lord Tactimon, he smelled bad..." The Troopmon whined.

"MailBirdramon, Greymon!" Kiriha raised his Xros Loader. His digimon loaded, appearing before Tactimon.

"SHOUTMON!" Taiki held up his Xros Loader.

"TROOPS! TAKE THEM DOWN!" Tactimon shouted.

As the battle began, a terrified scream rang from ChibiKamemon's direction. He had still been hiding in the bushes. The little turtle Digimon scrambled off into the woods.

"YOU CRYBABY COWARD!" Shoutmon screamed towards ChibiKamemon as he fled. "COME BACK AND HELP US!"

"Don't worry, we'll be all right!" Taiki held up his Xros Loader. "DIGI XROS!"He combined Shoutmon with Dorulumon and the others, while Starmon and Pickmon formed the rare star sword for Zenjirou...

Even with Kiriha's help, the battle was one-sided in Tactimon's favor. A couple well-aimed blasts from Tactimon sent Greymon and MailBirdramon flying into a set of trees, knocking them both out. Shoutmon x3 barely stood his own and devolved back into Shoutmon and the others. Zenjirou's efforts were also in vain, his rare star sword turned back into Starmon and Pickmon after a Troopmon managed a lucky shot.

The group was cornered against a tree, Tactimon stood before them. "You fools, you thought you could win against me?"

"We...We thought it was worth a shot..." Taiki said.

"Hmph, my battle plan and decoy were absolutely perfect, you took the bait like the fools you are," Tactimon reached behind his shoulder. "Jatestufujinmaru!" He drew out his sword. "Any final words?"

"...You suck." Zenjirou said, flatly. All eyes fell on him. "...What? I've always wanted to say that to him!"

"Just for that, you're first!" Tactimon raised his sword.

Zenjirou closed his eyes, awaiting the final blow...

...Instead, he heard a loud CLANG! Followed by a low groan from Tactimon.

Zenjirou opened his eyes, Tactimon stood with his sword raised. Motionless. Zenjirou noted the sudden appearance of a large dent on the top of his helmet. After a few seconds he fell flat on his back, a large rock on the ground by his side and a number of frightened Troopmon scattering off.

"...What the hell...?" Shoutmon looked up.

In a tree, right above Tactimon, sat ChibiKamemon. He waved down to the group, not a single tear in his eyes.

"You RULE, ChibiKamemon!" Taiki shouted. "You saved our lives!"

"ChibiKamemon's the best!" Zenjirou cheered. "I owe you big time! I'll split all my food with you from now on!"

"...Thanks," Kiriha said, smiling up at the little turtle ever so slightly.

"...I can't believe it..." Shoutmon continued looking up at ChibiKamemon, even after Taiki and Zenjirou helped the little turtle down from the tree.

"Shoutmon?" ChibiKamemon approached the little dragon. "...Are you all right?" He waved a hand in front of Shoutmon.

"...I can't believe it..." Shoutmon repeated.

"Come on, let's get out of here before he comes to!" Taiki pulled on Shoutmon's arm.

"Like they say, 'a dead Zhuge can scare off a live Sima,' so an unconscious Tactimon's scary enough for me to want to get the hell out of here!" Zenjirou said, helping Taiki with Shoutmon.

"Wha?" Taiki turned to Zenjirou with a confused look.

"LEARN YOUR HISTORY!" Zenjirou screamed.

"...I can't believe it..." Shoutmon, once again, repeated, still staring up at ChibiKamemon's perch.

"Yeah, yeah, we'll talk about it when we get back to the village!" Taiki started to drag the Digimon by the arm.

"...I can't believe it..."

"You said that already!" Zenjirou rolled his eyes. "Akari! Little help?"

* * *

A few days passed...

Tactimon's forces withdrew from the zone. Tactimon issuing an order that the previous night's incident NEVER took place. The Troopmon replied with "What incident?" unanimously.

The village Digimon were safe to return home once Tactimon's army was gone. They were happy to provide more food and whatever else Xros Heart and Kiriha wanted.

Kiriha stood at the city gate, his Xros Loader firmly attached to his belt. "...Thanks for the help, Kudou Taiki..." He said.

"Glad we could help, Kiriha!" Taiki said with a smile.

"We'll meet again, perhaps as allies..." Kiriha trailed off. He then added, "...Or enemies..."

"...You're welcome..." Akari muttered, Zenjirou held back the urge to make an obscene gesture while Kiriha's back was turned. Strangely, Taiki was still smiling, which annoyed Zenjirou to no end.

"...Goodbye, then," Kiriha walked off, checking to make sure he still had his Xros Loader every dozen or so steps.

"The nerve of that guy..." Akari muttered.

"Well, I say we spend the rest of the day basking in our victory before heading off," Taiki said, turning to Akari and Zenjirou. "What do you say?"

"I want my genmaicha," Zenjirou said. "And a warm bath." He started back to the inn, Akari and Taiki following. They passed through the town square...

...Where ChibiKamemon was surrounded by the dozens of Wormmon that were once Shoutmon's fan club. "Tell us more, Kame-nii-chan!" One of the Wormmon said, bouncing up and down. Another brought a bowl of fruit to ChibiKamemon. The little turtle was happy to share it with the Wormmon, eating just an apple as he told his story.

"...Well, I knew my friends were in danger, and Tactimon's super powerful!" ChibiKamemon said, "But I couldn't do anything like charge at him, so I snuck around and found a BIG rock..."

Shoutmon stepped up behind the Wormmon. "...Hey, wanna hear a war story-"

"Shh! ChibiKame-nii-chan's telling us his war story!" An annoyed Wormmon said.

"ChibiKame-nii-chan's the best!" Shouted another. The others made it more than clear they were more interested in ChibiKamemon's stories than Shoutmon's.

"I...I'm a war hero, too..." Shoutmon said, tears welling in his eyes.

"ChibiKame-nii-chan, need any more food?"

"I wanna get him more food! And some tea! I know where there's a big tea pot we can use!"

ChibiKamemon smiled as the Wormmon crowded around, bickering over who would give him food and tea while begging for more stories.

Shoutmon could only watch in dispair, his fan club had abandoned him...

...For the Great War Hero, ChibiKamemon.

The End

* * *

BONUS! TACTIMON BING FA!

* * *

Hello, Dummies.

Today's lesson is on knowing when to show mercy.

When you look into the pathetic, tear-filled eyes of your enemies as they beg for their lives, sometimes, you have to relent. Crush their forces so they can no longer pose a threat and let them leave with their head intact. If you do kill them, sometimes you can...create a power vacuum in their territory, causing even more trouble. Or you may need them to fend off an even bigger threat and simply mean to assert your dominance over them. Or they're just that pathetic that letting them live is an even greater disgrace than death in battle.

So, remember, Dummies, I LET those idiots at Xros Heart live this time. The looks on their faces pulled on my heart strings, they were so pathetic that even I could not bear to end them. I'd rather let them live on, in thanks that I was ever-so merciful. Next time will be different, but for now they can enjoy what precious time they have left before I do DESTROY. THEM. ALL!

And that is what happened in my previous battle with Xros Heart...Anyone who begs to differ my consult my associate, Jatetsufujinmaru. He will gladly separate your head from your neck for spreading such horrible lies about me.

GOT IT?

I hope you learned a little something from my lessons, Dummies. Though I sincerely doubt you did, miracles have happened. I suppose.

Regards,  
Lord Tactimon

* * *

Original Author's (AKA Ori's) Notes:  
Remember what I said about how I'm always super mean to characters I like? I have a confession to make...I've got one exception to that rule...

...Here goes...

...ChibiKamemon's just so ****ing ADORABLE! I can't bring myself to be mean to the little guy! Seriously, he's my favorite Xros Wars (and possibly all seasons) Digimon and I just had to give him a happy ending in this story. Turtles are awesome, especially ChibiKamemon! Kame-kame! (I'll add their verbal tics in future fics)

Regarding Zenjirou's "A dead Zhuge can scare off a live Sima" line. This is an actual Chinese saying, which refers to the fact that Zhuge Liang is such a strategic bad ass he made Sima Yi (his great rival) crap his pants in terror with a posthumous strategy (among other things he "did"\predicted would happen after he died). Sima Yi fled the battlefield, holding his head and screaming, "Have I still a head?" repeatedly until he reached his camp. Tactimon could learn a thing or two from just a go game with Kongming, I think...

Hope you enjoyed my first humor fic in seven years. I know I had a ton of fun writing it... I just hope it turned out funny in the end.

Zaijian!

* * *

Taiki's Notes:

A character you like that you're actually NICE to? The Apocalypse is nigh! Ori's being nice to a character! It can only be a sign of impending doom for us all!

Welcome back to the site, Ori. Can't wait to see what else pops out of that derranged mind of yours. Perhaps a Taiki and Zenjirou romantic comedy? Hm?

Fine, I'll stop. I'm certain you'll just stick to Jenkato, right?

R-Right?

-Taiki Matsuki


End file.
